*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
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This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Good boy 😂😂
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.