*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
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BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.