If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
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She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Barbie gone wild
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.