Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
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“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Just as the prophecy foretold
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
#Caturday
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …