I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
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If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat