[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
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INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
“We will wed,” I threatened
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.