I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
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Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
a lot to unpack here
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.