It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
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the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
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*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!