It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
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I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
The happy life.. 😊
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*