I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
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There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time