The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
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When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
The biggest mystery of our time
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces