Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
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me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.