I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
You Might Also Like
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied