Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
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I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
so, is there a mister shapen head
ME:
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
That’s it.I’m out.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind