Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
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vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
huge if true: the moon
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before