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Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
groan^2
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
We’re all getting idioter.