@Reverend_Scott
@bodybycheezits “Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
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@bodybycheezits 
@954LeenO Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
@HousewifeOfHell TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
@JessObsess ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
@jojipaints Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
@BadaBinge My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
@OtherDanOBrien [God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
@Book_Krazy Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
@ColoradoUgly I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
@OrdinaryAlso surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now