@Reverend_Scott

Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.

You Might Also Like

@954LeenO

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

@HousewifeOfHell

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

@JessObsess

ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough

@jojipaints

Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.

– texts to my bed

@BadaBinge

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

@OtherDanOBrien

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

@Book_Krazy

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

@ColoradoUgly

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

@OrdinaryAlso

surgeon: are… are you still awake?

me: man i got a lot going on right now