Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
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So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
This took me a second..
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
This is sending me to another galaxy
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?