Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
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The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD