I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
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What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Oh my god
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.