Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
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at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
And then there were 4
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
my sentiments exactly
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
🤣😂🤣
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔