“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
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“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
car not found
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
This was a bad idea all around
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.