The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
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Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I’m giving up ice.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.