customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
You Might Also Like
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Liquor Store Parking
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”