[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
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It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.