Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
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My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No