“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
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CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.