I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
You Might Also Like
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.