Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
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Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.