[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
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Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!