i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
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I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?