Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
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my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”