Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
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We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
haha same
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
be careful
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?