there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
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If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK