If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
You Might Also Like
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Home is where your toilet is.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.