STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
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Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?