The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
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7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.