If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
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Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power