I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
You Might Also Like
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.