I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.![]()
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H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
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58.
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my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Cardio Made Easy
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New mindset, who dis?
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio