Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
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GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
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*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
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When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.