Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
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2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza