Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
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Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.