I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
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most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.