[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
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Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read