You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
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Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college