I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
You Might Also Like
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
same bro
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes