One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
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I forgot how to panic. Help
When you try jalapeños for the first time
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
channeling her this year
gentlemen, hear me out
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth