Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
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Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin