tis the season
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Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
what’s more important?
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.