Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
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[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I know
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”