I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
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Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol