Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
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Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Well, shit
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
🤣🤣🤣
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.