Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
You Might Also Like
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
KFC hitting the cannibal market
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don鈥檛 flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 馃ぃ馃ぃ
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Don鈥檛 tell me I鈥檓 not spontaneous. I didn鈥檛 plan that nap at all.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?