A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
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i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
birds and squirrels envy us
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
who wore it better?
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Its true…
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude